Communicating with people is the most important part of my work now. Encouraging, forcing, charming, coercing, negotiating, inquiring, judging, establishing rapport, motivating, reprimanding, understanding, directing, coaching – you name it. It means being in contact with many egos, some of which create the collective “ego” we call “our company” or “our team”.

A recent organizational reshuffle, which I co-engineered with my friend and partner from the business side of the organization resulted in a show of egos. Some were hurt, especially one – and a hurt ego is a well of negative emotions and wishes. This particular ego is vibrating with uncertainty, a bit detached from reality, it has a serious problem with accepting the situation as it is. Interestingly, since the stream of negativity it emanates is directed also (if not primarily) at me I could observe my own ego react with instinctive negativity to that person. It’s interesting, since when I consider it cooly I should rather feel compassion for that person who has to face a failure. Each of us fails at this or that, I myself failed more times I would like to admit so I should be able to feel for that person, sympathize with this sunken feeling of inadequacy and the arrogance generated to compensate it.

And yet… even though when thinking cooly I’m able to be compassionate most of the time my own ego can’t really stand it. That clouds my judgment, though luckily I’m aware of that.

I think both egos – and all others for that matter – are intertwined in this dance of emotions mainly – if not only – to underline their existence. Those shows of emotions, hurt pride, arrogance, windmill activities etc. all that feeds egos, adds substance to their otherwise elusive and illusive existence.

Of course, on the absolute level we’re all connected and feeling of separation is just a part of illusion we call reality. However, during the day I have to get things done within that illusion and sometimes I dwell on what one lama said about having to use painful yet skillful means without loosing compassion for the ones that might have to be hurt in order to prevent them from hurting others. And hurting others might necessarily mean killing or anything this serious. This might also be wasting others’ work, dividing people instead of uniting them, allowing others to fall into laziness or improper conduct.

I hope I’m justified in the reasons and ways in which I’m applying pressure when forced to do so. I hope my means are skillful enough. I hope I don’t hurt others more than I have to – and I hope it will ultimately help them grow, not sink them deeper into negativity.

But mostly I hope my own ego won’t feel pleasure when doing so. That I would be most ashamed of. I just hope I would be able to catch the moment l feel a single tingle of pleasure at someone’s misfortune, even if they fully deserve it, catch that moment – and stop.