Andy's Mind

A few days ago I wrote about fear. And indeed, fear leads people into choices that lead no one, even themselves, to joy and happiness. It is a limiting factor, forcing to see limits instead of potentials, obstacles instead of paths. But a very similar and equally harmful mental concept is the feeling of guilt. (more…)

I’m here on a business trip, but even so I spend every minute I can on the beach. It’s not what you can think – I had to walk around in a sweatshirt today as it was quite cold, especially for this time of the year. But it is warm enough to sit on the sand and look the waves on the Gdansk Bay. (more…)

Because I’m in Warsaw for three days I dropped into the Kannon’s zendo this morning. Instead of the normal morning practice it was an end of a two-day sesshin and I joined them for the last three rounds of zazen separated by kinhin. Very interesting experience, after almost half a year of sitting alone it was very encouraging. However, the most surprising thing was how short the 45 minutes periods of zazen felt. I remember waiting for the bell to sound a year ago – now I was almost disappointed when it did, even though it was not an easy sitting (I was drowning in thoughts too frequently). I’ll have to make an effort and come there again when I’ll be in Warsaw.

My zazen this morning wasn’t good. I didn’t sleep well, some strange, work-related nightmares haunted me all night. When I sat on the cushion I couldn’t stop the torrent of thoughts flooding my brain. I was upset my meditation is bad.

And then it occurred to me that my thinking about my meditation reflects my overall state of mind, it’s not an objective measure or judgment, it’s just another drop in the torrent of thoughts.

My mind is not my thoughts. My zazen is not my assessment of my zazen.