Andy's Mind

Today is the 100th anniversary of Albert Eintein‘s publication of the third of his four Annus Mirabilis Papers entitled On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies; the seminal work that introduced the concepts which would come to be known as Special Relativity. People discuss this on blogs and /. but what did strike me is that no one sees this like a good occasion to ask a very important question: how much further did we get in science, especially physics during those 100 years.

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When I saw her this thought came to me again. She was walking towards me, a perfect blonde with long hair flowing onto her shoulders, just a little lower than me, with well marked, round breasts visible under a white blouse and a face, as perfect as her body, symmetric, smooth. Her eyes, blue-gray, just like mine, were looking through me as though I didn’t exist, while a hardly noticeable half smile twisted her perfect lips into an expression of princely superiority and indifference to a mere mortal whose presence she had to politely endure for this brief, unpleasant moment.

Yeah, I thought again, is there a ghost in this shell? Is there, beneath that superficial pose, a mind that could withstand five minutes of real conversation? Is it really so that external beauty precludes internal depth and goodness? Or is it just my karma playing tricks on me?

While meditating recently I observed how fragile is my mind’s stability and how easily it is distracted, how little it needs to produce mountains of thoughts and images. It’s just like fireworks, a little spark ignites a myriad of flashes and booms.

I sit. I hear a sound. My mind immediately recognizes it, names it in a flash so fast I can’t grasp it yet alone prevent it – it’s a car door being slammed. Rapidly, sets of images appear, various situations in which I slammed a car door. Or seen a door slammed. Or saw it in a movie. Then the mind ticks and stops on a memory. Now the thoughts tree is almost developed, I recall a situation, a smell, a feeling. But, the breathing continues and I go back to it. The image slowly dissipates, the mind becomes clear again.

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I was in a big shopping mall today. I went there to get my car washed inside and out in preparation for selling it. As it was cleaned I went inside to somehow spend this hour. I bought something to eat, a portion of plastic mall food served on a paper dish with plastic cutlery on a plastic tray. I sat in a plastic chair by a plastic table and, while eating this stuff and drinking an artificial bubbly drink, I watched people around me.

It’s interesting how much my perception changed since the time when I worked nearby, in the offices of one of the biggest telco companies on the market. Somehow I felt out of place there today, not belonging to the crowd of haves anymore I ventured onto their terrain to watch them. I’m not sure if I want to get back into this circle again, but then I’m not sure I really would like to stay outside. Life seems easier from the inside, even if it’s just an illusion it’s a strong one.

All in all I have a feeling I wasted most of my day. I didn’t work as much as I wanted. I didn’t accomplish even a third of what I wanted to today. I just can’t get a grip strong enough on myself, squeeze myself strong enough, focus on writing documents which I don’t give a damn about, somehow keep my mind from running away to browse the net, discuss photos, write e-mails etc. Internet is a killer for productivity. But I’m addicted, I can’t help it.